What Pro-Life Means to Me

[aelfgyfu_mead]

I thought long and hard about making this post. I’m pro-life; I know most of my friends aren’t. I’ve seen lots of hostility aimed at pro-life people, and I’m not very vocal about being pro-life. In other words, I’m a coward.

My executive summary, for those deciding whether to read more: pro-life means actively supporting alternatives to abortion, helping girls and women prevent unwanted pregnancy and live with surprise pregnancies. Pro-life also means opposing the death penalty and killing in general (yes, including wars). Pro-life means opposing euthanasia and assisted suicide and giving real support and alternatives to suffering people and their care-givers.

I won’t block comments, but I do ask that you read the whole post before commenting. (You might even want to read the next one, because I wrote too much for one!)

I know my friends here include at least one atheist, one agnostic, one pro-choice Catholic, more than one person raised Catholic but no longer identifying as such. I know I have a few pro-life readers—because I told my family about my blog!

I’m writing to convince those of you who are not related to me that pro-lifers are not idiots, and that in fact some of us are not anti-woman, anti-choice (unless you define "choice" really narrowly), or anti-Democrats. I write not to argue, but to open a discussion, and maybe some eyes. I probably won’t make any of you pro-life, and I’m not blocking comments, but seriously, you won’t make me "pro-choice" (I put the term in quotes because I resent people telling me I’m "anti-choice"; I believe men and women have lots of choices, but once a baby is conceived, the range of choices should narrow).

I think of the grad school prof who was shocked I was pro-life because I’m a "sensible person." I think of all the "pro-life" stickers I’ve seen sharing bumper space with "Bush/Cheney" stickers and how sick that makes me feel (as human services and human rights are cut, as the war drags on...). I am, by the way, a registered Democrat who has voted for particular Republicans on occasion; I used to think of myself as an Independent.

Abortion
Most people think pro-life is all about being anti-abortion, so I’ll start here. I am anti-abortion and hope abortion will ultimately end. I do support certain legal restrictions on abortion (though I can’t point to a single law—bills written now are sloppy and made to score points, not to do good). I think making abortion illegal now would be disastrous, and not a pro-life thing to do: women and babies would continue to die, and it would be all too easy to continue not trying to solve problems that have made abortion so common in the first place.

I believe a fetus is a baby, a person. I’m Catholic, but not a minion (or parrot) of the pope. I think abortion kills a human being, and I don’t think that’s good for the mother. I’m not talking about the very dubious link between abortion and breast cancer. While some women die having abortions—I think too many—too many women die in childbirth too. I think abortion is violence, and bad for everyone.

I know pregnancy is hard. I had a healthy pregnancy, a wanted pregnancy in a happy marriage, and I hated being pregnant; I often felt depressed and anxious. I can only imagine how hard pregnancy must be on women with medical problems, little or no family support, and even pressure not to be pregnant.

But I don’t think abortion is a good solution, any more than I think it would be to terminate the baby’s life right after he or she is born. If I’m hurting feelings, I’m sorry; it’s possible some of you may have had abortions. I do not write to accuse you.

I write to say that it’s ridiculous we don’t have more help for the many women who would carry a pregnancy to term with help, and that truly being pro-life means giving that help. I volunteered at one crisis pregnancy center, served on another’s board, and continue to support another financially. No, these are not places who trick women into watching Silent Scream or pretend to be abortion providers. Good CPCs counsel the mother, because the baby isn’t the client; they offer girls and women a friendly ear and guidance about avoiding pregnancy if this pregnancy scare is false, or later, after this pregnancy (whether the woman has the child or not). Good CPCs help a lot of women and children.

Pro-life means that I want schools and employers to have family-friendly policies. I think that New York Catholic school that fired the unmarried pregnant teacher was dead wrong (sorry, don’t have a link; if you do, please let me know!). I think the Family and Medical Leave Act is crucial—and should be furthered. The US needs good, affordable child care; good maternity and paternity leave; and options for pregnant girls and women to continue their education and work.

I have been a member of Feminists for Life for a number of years now, and they have been pushing for legislative action on all these issues. (A group I will not name says that FFL did not support FMLA; that is false. FFL actively pushed for FMLA for years before it passed. They also take strong stands against sexual abuse, rape, and discrimination. FFL has been much slandered; check out their website for the truth.) We need more legal protections for girls and women who are abused and raped. As a society, we need to protect mothers, fathers, and children.

That’s why I’m a Democrat. I was an independent for years, and I still don’t vote party-line, but I watched Republicans cut support for mothers with children and other kinds of welfare. I saw Republicans in Indiana institute harsh penalities for those on welfare who had another child. A so-called pro-lifer answered my accusation that the penalties would cause more abortions with, “That’s on the mother’s conscience, not mine.” That’s bull. If through family or governmental pressure we push women to have abortions they otherwise wouldn’t, we as a society have failed them, and that’s not pro-life.

We need sensible adoption policies, so that couples don’t have to go abroad or go through expensive, often painful treatments to have children. People pay thousands of dollars to try to conceive, and many fail in the end, while some women are aborting babies because they don’t want to bring an unloved child into the world.

Good policies won’t eliminate every reason for an abortion, but I believe they will make a huge difference.

I know I’m not going to persuade people to be pro-life like me—but I hope I can urge some pro-choice and pro-life cooperation on certain issues: good prenatal and post-natal support for mothers; options for mothers that allow them to continue their work, their schooling—their lives; a system of adoption that encourages women with unwanted pregnancies to give babies to loving homes (we have a lot of loving homes in this country just looking for babies!); and a culture that doesn’t penalize women for being mothers, that doesn’t look down on single moms (and sometimes dads), who must have great strength, courage, and support to succeed, and that values life.

This post is huge. Part II will cover other pro-life issues.

Comments

everyone's choice

[randomfreshink.livejournal.com]

I am very pro-choice, but that also means if someone wants to be pro-live, that's cool--that's choice.

My father died after a very, very horrible fire--he had third degree burns across eight percent of his body. I can only be graitful I had the choice to say take him off life support--he died twenty minutes later, very peacefully, and a nurse came up after to me and said she'd have done the same thing for her dad. I can't even begin to think about the pain he would have suffered if I'd allowed any and all measures to keep him alive.

And I've had friends who've opted for abortion--wisely, I believe. To bring a child into this world and not have that child wanted--that's my idea of sin. (And, yes, would be grand if all children were wanted, but that's not people).

So--to me pro-choice means keeping that choice in there. For everything.

Re: everyone's choice

[aelfgyfu_mead]

As I say in Part II, I would never support forcing anyone to stay on life support; that seems to me a perversion of pro-life philosophy. I'm so sorry to hear that about your father. I'm sure it was not an easy choice for you. But I think I would have done the same (need to talk to my parents about this!). I'm glad he could have a peaceful end.

Thanks for your comments. When I first thought about doing this post (shortly after I got an LJ, because these issues really matter to me), I was afraid that if I did it, I'd watch my mutual friends list dwindle to nothing. Then I thought, "Wait, I know these people--why would I think that of them?" And I couldn't think of a single one individually I thought might drop me. But I felt that way because I've faced so much bile from some in the pro-choice camp. And many people who are against abortion take exception to my feminism and my opposition to the death penalty and war. It's lonely, being a pro-life feminist and Democrat!

Maybe not all children will ever be wanted. But I think we can do a heck of a lot better than we have been doing at preventing unwanted pregnancies in the first place. I'll happily recommend abstinence, natural family plannning (sympto-thermal; not synonymous with the rhythm method!), or fertility awareness method (I can recommend books if anyone is interested). I also think a lot of other ways of preventing pregnancy need to be made available, and people need to be educated about them. That won't fix everything, but we'd be doing better than we are now.

Re: everyone's choice

[randomfreshink.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think it's cool that you posted this. I wish more folks would talk this stuff over rather than taking a stand and not having any discussions.

[delphia2000.livejournal.com]

I don't think we disagree on much here, but I align myself with the pro-choice based on one important factor: some religions don't believe that abortion is a sin or wrong, so to take away that option from them is in a way imposing my religious beliefs on them and I think that's a greater wrong. When I say Pro-Choice, I always hope the choice is for life.

I also think it's important to understand that most (I won't say all) women who come out of an abortion are NOT smiling or happy about it. No one makes that decision lightly and you may take my word on that. My DH had a vasectomy years before he met me and even with the medical profession calling him infertile, I still got pregnant. WE made the decision to have our son and we have been paying for it in many ways ever since. Our financial future was destroyed by it, so I cannot blame anyone who chooses not to have a child. (Yes, I love him, but some days I do want to sell him on ebay!)

I do think that attacking the root cause, ignorance, is the best way to prevent as many unwanted pregnancies as possible so abortion isn't needed. Sex ed in schools, making contraceptives available and getting the message out that abstinence is good thing. You can't blame teens with raging hormones when you look at all the messages they are being sent by advertising, tv, film and music. And we do indeed need to make it easier for adoptions in this country. One of my friends had to go to India for her son. Good people who should have been able to adopt here.

I also find our current administration to be very family unfriendly for all their talk and I vote against them. I also frequently let my representatives know my feelings...for all the good it does. GOP = Greed Over People.

I get a lot of flack for calling myself a feminist too. Mostly from ignorant men who don't understand the value of a strong, independent woman. If I wasn't who I am, the DH would have never had the chance to be Mr. Mom several times in our married life. *shrugs* I'll keep the title proudly.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Yes, I think we're largely in agreement. As I say, ultimately, I hope abortion will end. I don't think that will be realized in my lifetime, but I try to do my little bit to help. We have friends here who have adopted from all over the world--except from this country. China, Eastern Europe; I just don't know anyone who has adopted recently from the US! (Some of my own contemporaries were, but this generation of parents goes abroad.)

Yes, I've thought of eBay too! But I don't think anyone would take Our Girl!

What's especially painful to me is when people say that someone who is pro-life can't be a feminist, and I shouldn't call myself that.

[redbyrd-sgfic.livejournal.com]

I think abortion vs. an unwanted pregnancy is a terrible choice for any woman to have to make. The most difficult thing being that despite the slogans for adoption, there is still a horrible stigma attached to it- and also, some women simply can't, after carrying a baby to term, force themselves to give it up. Giving women the support to live with motherhood without it destroying their lives is a very good thing. Educating them so they don't become pregnant in the first place is an even better one.

Having said that- one of the roots of the disagreement is the belief that a person is alive and has a soul at conception. I don't believe that, myself. And I do very strongly believe that forcing women to behave as if that is true is tantamount to forcing a religion on them. Which I know is not what you're suggesting. But. It's kind of the unbreachable divide- these two points-of-view will never see eye to eye.

I suspect that eventually what will close the gap, and make it possible to eliminate abortion will be a technological solution, something along the lines of Lois Bujold's uterine replicators. If technology along those lines were available, at that point I could see supporting a ban on abortion.

I do admire your consistency and idealism, though- and wish that there were more people like you on that side of the fence.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Indeed, as a couple of people have said, few if any women make the decision to abort lightly.

And yes, giving a child up for adoption can be difficult at a personal level, and the social pressure against is tremendous. That's just wrong. Giving a child up for adoption is often a courageous act, recognizing that one isn't prepared, at least at the time, to raise a child, and allowing another parent or couple (often childless themselves) to have that child.

I think there are more people like me on my side! If I had true courage, I'd be seeking a wider outlet, with my real name on all this. I don't because I've had people scream, "You don't care if women die!" once when I did join a prayer vigil. In print, I constantly see people saying that pro-lifers who call themselves feminists are hypocrites, that we're really "anti-choice" and want to see women pregnant and oppressed, that we all oppose all forms of birth control, and lots of other nonsense. I read this from otherwise sensible people; I can hardly read Anna Quindlen anymore, the last straw coming when she told anti-war people not to allow Mennonites into the movement because they also oppose abortion. Ellen Goodman also writes intemperate things. These are women whose work I have often read with pleasure.

On the other side, pro-lifers are associated with James Dobson and Cal Thomas, men who have very regressive views on a number of issues. The most public pro-lifers are often an embarrassment--and not people I happily call pro-life, although I hate to tell people they can't call themselves what they think they are.

Pro-lifers who are feminists get hit from all sides, so many keep a fairly low profile. I have heard of academics being denied tenure and one prominent feminist having to step down as chair of her department after she "came out" about her position. So I think there are more of us than many think. When the issue arises, I do tell the truth about my position--but mostly people assume I'm on their side, whichever it is, and don't raise it!

I didn't bring up the technology issue because that raises a whole new problem. Maybe I should write a Part III (when I'm not exhausted from real life!). I have a niece who was a preemie (thirty weeks). Babies born as young as twenty-two weeks sometimes survive. Abortion is often legal at ages at which babies increasingly would live, will live, if delivered. And yes, I think we'll see technologies that push those ages further and further back.

That's when we'll see who is truly pro-life--because those technologies won't be cheap. Are anti-welfare conservatives who won't pay for health care for children and expectant mothers going to pay to keep alive a baby who will otherwise be aborted? We'll see. I am willing to put a chunk of money there.

But I also think those technologies will reframe the question of who is alive and human. I don't want to push my religion on anyone, though I gladly share with the curious and those considering conversion. Yet I believe fetuses are human beings. To me, that's not simply a matter of imposing my morality. I can't just stand back and say, "Okay, you don't think a baby is human" any more than I could say, "Okay, you don't think Celts are fully human" (in recent history, try "the Irish", but the prejudice is well over a millennium old!) or "Okay, you don't think Africans are fully human" and stand back and say that killing either group was fine and dandy.

And yet the analogy won't fully hold, because pregnancy puts the fetus in a different relation to one person in particular, the mother, than members of racial groups have with members of other racial groups. (Moreover, it took a civil war to end slavery in this country, and even now we still don't have full equality. I'm not willing to see the country torn apart over abortion. It always comes back to not wanting people killed!)

I'm tired and can only hope I'm still making sense. I'm deeply gratified that we can have this discussion (pace the extremists on both sides).