I'm still here

[aelfgyfu_mead]

As I told one of you just a couple of days ago, I am still here. I just looked to see when I last posted anything. Months. It has been months and months since I posted anything more than a link, an actor sighting, or birthday wishes.

It's not that I haven't been on LJ. I've been here, reading a fair amount and commenting not infrequently. Often, I'll open things in tabs, come back to them later, and comment. Sometimes, I'll open things in tabs, come back to them much later, and not comment because I'm rushed or worn out or not sure what to say. (Sometimes, I'll open things in tabs, come back to them much, much later—and just close the tabs in defeat.)

bentleywg posted a link to"You Really Couldn't Have Had It All" from the blog Attempting Elegance, by Jenica Rogers, and it says a lot that I meant to repost that link but am finally doing so a month and a day after she first posted the link (assuming that I actually post this today). I can't have it all. I'm still struggling with acceptance of that idea. I want it all:
• all my work at the university (well, I don't want the administrative stuff, but it buys me the stuff I love), teaching, research, and mentoring
• family time, to have dinner with Brilliant Husband and Small Child, and to watch tv with them and play games with them
• time for my friends nearby (with whom I hardly spend more than a few minutes, unless we're in some kind of meeting together) and my friends farther away (hello, everyone on the Internet!)
• time for LJ and reading fanfic
• time for church and prayer
• time for running (I do about 5k about three times a week now)
—these things aren't listed in priority order, necessarily, but the order in which I thought of them just now. And those things I still do.

The things that I want to do but can't seem to manage any more:
• writing fic (and the desire seems to have withered as the opportunity waned; is that a mixed metaphor? Anglo-Saxons and some modern gardeners think that plants have the most fluids at the full moon, so I think it still works)
• reading newspapers regularly, instead of finding articles about something big when I hear about it on radio news or see people writing about it
• reading novels (did some of that over Christmas break, actually! Hope to some day again!)
• baking
• just relaxing.

This post isn't meant to be a complaint. Mostly, I'm pretty happy. Things just aren't quite the way I want them to be, but some things are going very well. Small Child seems to be really maturing—she has become more helpful recently, and she wants to watch our tv shows and listen to our radio shows and talk with us more. Brilliant Husband and I are happy in our house, in our neighborhood, in our lives in general.

Partly, I'm posting so that you all know we're still here! I've replied to some of you, but not all of you. Sometimes, I think LJ isn't showing me everything; there are people I haven't heard from in a long time. (When I check individuals, I don't usually find anything my friends feed didn't show me.)

Partly, I'm posting to get back into the habit! I'm rusty! I sat here for a long time thinking, "How do I start a post?" and then "Maybe I should read some fanfic first, and then I'll relax enough to write"—and then I saw that I posted on Dec. 26 that I'd post again later in the week, and I never did. I have nearly started this post a bunch of times and then gone to read fanfic, and I never come back to post.

Thanks to all of you who are still posting and sharing bits of your lives and thoughts and reading and viewing. Sorry if I haven't commented lately; sorry I haven't been sharing much. I wanted to do sg_fignewton's Gen Fic Day, but I knew the odds I'd get anything done were pretty poor. I think I'm confirming that today. All I've got is a lousy post with a bunch of bullet points! (The bullet points started life as paragraphs, but I realized the parentheticals were too long to keep these readable paragraphs, and I am obviously very fond of my parentheticals.)

I do hope that I've primed the pump by saying that I'm here. I want to post about tv we're watching and movies and the books I've read since the very long time ago that I posted about books. I'm not leaving LJ! Really!

Comments

[delphia2000.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think of LJ as being like the marriage metaphor that a counselor shared with me...sometimes you row the boat, sometimes your partner (flist) rows, and sometimes you row together. It's all good and it's good to hear you are doing well. I sometimes miss my SC who is now an Adult PITA. :o)

[aelfgyfu_mead]

I really like that idea. I'm currently (no pun intended) doing most of my rowing elsewhere, so I can let my LJ friends do a lot of the rowing here for now. I hope to be back more in the summer.

[loriel-eris.livejournal.com]

[2nd attempt. Premature post the first time!]

Bullet points are better than what I've done! I've had three posts this year, but I seem to have got out the way of communicating on LJ. I read my entire flist, but don't seem to comment - oooh, looks, pretty shiny fic. *is easily distracted* In fact, I'm also of the open tabs and either comment a month later, or more likely, give up, as you mentioned, persuasion. Then, on the few occasions I make actual LJ posts, I feel I'm talking at people rather than with/to them...

I'm glad life is good for you all at the momemt, even if it doesn't quite have as much time as you'd like! I'm getting on ok. Tho, I must start making an effort at life: either going out and socialising or socialising on LJ (either would help!); exercising; hobbies other than Guides and reading fic (tho both seem to take up an inordinate amount of time...); finding some motivation! Oh well, I have to believe that I'll get there eventually!

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Motivation can be a hard thing to find. Sometimes I only get things done to avert disaster.

Sometimes, like today, I only get things done after the disaster has started. We won't talk about that in detail. No major disasters. We'll call it a win.

At least you have Guides and fic!

[loriel-eris.livejournal.com]

Motivation can be a hard thing to find. Sometimes I only get things done to avert disaster.

I have never met a deadline that I haven't been rammed right up against. At uni, formal lab reports were always due last Friday of term, midday. The last Thursday of term, ~8pm, always saw me still in the computing lab putting it together. Followed by editing right up til ~1145am, followed by printing... It was the same with the big progress meetings/presentations at Shitty Job.

I am attempting to be a little better now, but it's very hit and miss.

No major disasters. We'll call it a win.

That is most definitely a win. If you can walk away (or even hobble, to stretch the metaphor), some days, that is all you can ask!

[archersangel (from livejournal.com)]

several bullet points (with parentheticals) make a post, i think.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Thanks!

[a-phoenixdragon.livejournal.com]

I've seen you around - and realized how hectic your life has gotten. Hope to see you around more, as I DO miss you, but I also know Life can get crazy. So glad things are going well, even if time is shorter than we'd all like, lol!!

*hugs you hard*

[aelfgyfu_mead]

*hugs you back*

I'm not leaving. With luck, I'll have more time (and drive) in the summer.

[sholio]

Hi! ♥ I don't think there's anything wrong with lurking if you're in a lurk mode. Sometimes a person just hasn't got the spoons (or whatever tableware) to actually comment. And that's okay too.

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Thanks! Yeah, I'm mostly in lurk mode lately. It feels good to come out of it for a bit, though.

[kristen-mara.livejournal.com]

Glad that things are going so well for you and your husband and daughter!

Yes, the constant, daily struggle to fit in everything that we want to do... I have so much fic I want to work on, but after work I'm so tired that I seem to achieve nothing on a weekday evening (especially now that I'm looking up new jobs too.)

Good luck!

[aelfgyfu_mead]

New jobs again? Oh, dear.

Never enough time. If I had more, I don't think I'd use it to do anything productive; I think I'd sleep more!

[impulsereader.livejournal.com]

I am also very familiar with the act of closing tabs in defeat. :-) It just seems like there should be enough time in the day but in reality there isn't. There are too many wonderful books to read and writing to do, too many movies I need to watch or watch again, too many interesting posts on LJ to hunt down, too many clever people to keep up with. It's all a bit ridiculous really. I've been thinking of giving up sleep...

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Nooo! Sleep is too important! You need it to enjoy the other things! (Trust me. I still remember being badly sleep deprived when Small Child was Newborn, and I didn't enjoy much of anything for a while. I never want to be that low on sleep again.)

[impulsereader.livejournal.com]

lol - good advice. :-)

[lunachickk.livejournal.com]

I know you are still here because you've commented on my posts. :D

It's good to see a real live post by you though!

[aelfgyfu_mead]

Yes, at least I've managed to comment some.

I'm glad you're happy to see my post! I should do more!

[flingslass.livejournal.com]

As you can see, my get back into it is a bit longer than yours. BUT I have discovered the LJ app so I might be able to keep up with those I care about. My running has been consuming my life a bit and Mum is quite frail. This however doesn't change what I'd LIKE to do and that's stay in touch with people that I formed great friendships with.